Where is the Indian ? must read

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An American visited India and went back to America
Where he met his Indian friend who asked him
How did u find my Country
The American said it is a great country
With solid ancient history
And immensely rich with natural resources.
The Indian friend then asked.
How did u find Indians??

Indians?? Who Indians?? I didn't find or met a single Indian there in India.

What nonsense??
Who else could u met in India then??
The American said..
In Kashmir I met a Kashmiri
In Punjab a Panjabi
In Bihar, Maharastra, Rajasthan, Bengal, Tamil Nadu, Kerala
Bihari, Marathi, Marwadi, Bengali, Tamilian, Malayali

Then i met
A Hindu,
A Muslim,
A Christian,
A Jain,
A Buddhist

And many many many more
But not a single Indian did i meet

Think how serious this joke is..
The day would not be far off when indeed we would
Become a collection of nation states as some
Regional anti-national politicians want...
Fight back -
Always say i am an Indian
Jai hind

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How software engineers sing the song of 3 idiots?

Saari umar hum
Coding kar ke jee liye
Ek pal to ab humein jeene do
Jeene do

Saari umar hum
Errors fix kar ke jee liye
Ek pal to ab humein jeene do
Jeene do

Saari umar hum
Nightouts kar ke jee liye
Ek pal to ab humein jeene do
Jeene do

Na na na….Na na na….Na na na….Na na nana na….

Give me Leave....
Give me some break... ..
Give me another chance...
i wanna go home once agaain..

Kandhon ko programming
Ke bojh ne jhukaya
Faltu program banana to khud
Team Lead ne sikhaya
50% without errors bana to botal chadi,
varna neend udi.

Likh likh kar code hatheli par
Functions, procedures, modules ka chaala
Repeated Programming errors ne poora
Poora jawani ka maza jalaa daala

Jawani to gayi
Sar k bal bhi gaye
Ek pal to ab humein
Jeene do jeene do

Jawani to gayi
Girlfriend bhi gayi
Ek pal to ab humein
Jeene do jeene do

Saari umar hum
coding kar ke jee liye
Ek pal to ab humein jeene do
Jeene do

Na na na….Na na na….Na na na….Na na nana na….

Give me Leave....
Give me some break... ..
Give me another chance...
i wanna go home once agaain..


Give me Leave....
Give me some break... ..
Give me another chance...
i wanna go home once agaain..

Na na na….Na na na….Na na na….Na na nana na….

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CUSTOMER CARE IN 2020

CUSTOMER CARE IN 2020

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..."

Customer: "Heloo, can I order.."

Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"

Customer: "It's eh..., hold.......... on......88986135610204999 8-45-54610"

Operator : "OK... you're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan

Kayu. Your home number is 4094! 2366, your office 76452302 and your mobile

is 0142662566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"

Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?

Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"

Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."

Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"

Customer: "How come?"

Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood

pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"

Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"

Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it"

Customer: "How do you know for sure?"

Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from

the National Library last week Sir"

Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, how much

will that cost?"

Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total

is $49.9! 9"

Customer: "Can I pay by! credit card?"

Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is

over the limit and you owe your bank $3,720.55 since October last year.

That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan,

Sir."

Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw

some cash before your guy arrives"

Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records,you've reached your

daily limit on machine withdrawal today"

Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready.

How long is it gonna take anyway?"

Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always

come and collect it on your motorcycle..."

Customer: " What!"

Operator : "According to the details in system ,you own a

Scooter,...registration number 1123..."

Customer: " ?"

Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"

Customer: "Nothing.! .. by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free

bottles of cola as advertised?"

Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also

diabetic....... "

Customer: #$$^%&$@$%^

Operator "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you

were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman...?"

Customer: [Faints...

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Your personality

Your personality. ..when you undress?

Amazing but true.... How you get undressed reveals your personality ........!!

1) If you throw your clothes all over the place, you are a friendly, life-of-the- party type. You are free with your thoughts and opinions, not caring much about what others think of you. Your parents might think your room looks like a cyclone hit it? But it actually represents your happy, individualistic nature!

2) If you remove each piece of clothing and put it away carefully, you are a serious person who likes her life to be very calm. You are comfortable with routine, and you believe that the best way to deal with life's problems is to prevent them in the first place. You are a perfectionist. By nature you are quite shy. You are bservant and you know more about some people than they think, just because you've watched them. You are dependable and sometimes intense. You think carefully before making decisions. You go about your tasks methodically, with concentration. You know how to pay attention.

3) If you take off the shirt, and ten minutes later get around to the pants, you are an extremely self-confident person. You are naturally bright and intellectual. You are also a deep thinker who loves to ask questions and ponder the meaning of things. You hate being rushed and you do not like to be hassled. Usually you like a lot of free time for yourself.

4) If you get out of your clothes as quickly as possible, you are concerned about others and what they expect from you, but you're worried about your own needs. You are family-oriented, and stay extremely busy. You often feel stressed, but most of those heavy expectations come from your own head! Give yourself a break; you don't have to be perfect.

5) If you take off your rings, earrings, necklace, watch, etcetera before anything else, you are a warm and sensitive person. You are considerate and thoughtful, and you give good advice to your friends. You are a natural born romantic.

6) If you don't have an undressing routine and you never do it the same way twice, you are a very curious and interesting person. You enjoy a broad range of activities. You take risks and enjoy fun and adventure. You are very social.

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Stupid's Exam Paper

[This one's little difficult than last year's]

1. Write your name in less than 20 minutes and 20 letters (only alphabet are allowed, no numeric

digits or "_" allowed)

2. Sex?

( ) Male

( ) Female

( ) Don't know.

3. What's your age group?

( ) less than 0

( ) equal to 0

( ) greater than 0

4. What is 2 + 2=?

( ) FOUR

( ) 4

( ) IV

5. If you have one brother, how many brothers does your brother have?

( ) none

( ) one

( ) question is too personal

6. Complete the following sentence... (4marks)

______ ________ ________ _________ .

7. If there are 365 days in a year, how many days make a year?

8. Read the statement carefully and answer the following question:

"My mother's daughter's brother's mother's mother's daughter's husband's wife is my mother herself".

Q. How many times the word "mother" appears in the above statement?

( ) None

( ) some times

( ) uncountable

9. If someone gives you a rupee for 100 paise, would you get:

( ) One rupee?

( ) 100 paise?

10. Write an Essay on "MYSELF" in not more than three sentences...

(HINT: My Name is ___________ (same as in [1] ).

I am a _______(boy/girl). (I am writing an essay.)

11. If the time is 3.00 a. m., what does your digital watch show?

12. At what time does the 11.16 hours Indrayani Express come?

13. What do you do on a honeymoon?

( ) Collect Honey

( ) Admire Moon

( ) Collect Honey while admiring the moon

14. Earth is Flat?

( ) False

( ) Indeed False

15. If A = B and B = C then is B = A?

( ) TRUE

( ) NOT FALSE

( ) OUT OF SYLLABUS

16. If you eat lunch during lunchtime, what will you have during dinnertime?

17. Think and write the present tense of THOUGHT.

18. Complete the following poem:

Mary had a little lamb

Little lamb little lamb_ (HINT: "." or "@" or"^")

19. This is question number

( ) 1

( ) 19

( ) 20

20. If 2 + 3 = 5, 3 + 2 = 5??

( ) YES

( ) I FORGOT TO GET MY CALCULATOR

21. Write full form of ASAP, as soon as possible ( Hint...As Soon as.. )

22. Opposite of the word "IN" is

( ) NOT IN

( ) CRICKET

( ) HOCKEY

23. What is the capital of India?

( ) India

( ) INDia

( ) INDIA

24. a, e, i, o and u are collectively called "vowels". What are e, a,o, u and i called?

25. Fill in the blank:

I am _________ a letter.

( ) READING

( ) WRITING

( ) SEALING

26. Who was the first MAN to land on moon?

( ) MR. ARMSTRONG

( ) MISS ARMSTRONG

( ) MRS ARMSTRONG

27. What comes first?

( ) the Egg

( ) the Omelet

28. Can you count more than five using your hands?

( ) YES

( ) NO

29. Spell M-Y-T-H-O-L-O-G-Y

30. Mrs. Sinha is Mr. Sinha's

( ) Father

( ) Brother

( ) Son

( ) Daughter

31. Car A starts from X and car B starts from Y. X and Y are located 100 miles apart from each other. How many wheels does each car have?

( ) One

( ) Four

( ) Seven

32. To reach the 12th floor of the World Trade Center, how many buttons would you press in the elevator?

( ) ONE

( ) TWELVE

33. Complete the following series [this question carries 3 marks]

1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, _, _, _.

34. This one tests your imagination. SUN is nearer to India than AMERICA because...

( ) SUN is smaller than AMERICA

( ) One can see SUN, but not AMERICA

( ) I do not have any time left to think on this one.

35. On which day Good Friday falls

( ) Sunday

( ) Wednesday

( ) Saturday

ANSWER IF U HAVE THE GUTS TO SOLVE IT

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Software Engineer and his Wife talking

Software Engineer and His Wife Talking

Husband - Hey dear, I am logged in.

Wife - would you like to have some snacks?

Husband - hard disk full.

Wife - have you brought the saree.

Husband - Bad command or file name.

Wife - but I told you about it in morning

Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.

Wife - hae bhagwan !forget it where's your salary.

Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.

Wife - at least give me your credit card, i can do some shopping.

Husband - sharing violation, access denied.

Wife - i made a mistake in marrying you.

Husband - data type mismatch.

Wife - you are useless.

Husband - by default.

Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?

Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.

Wife - what is the relation between you and your Receptionist?

Husband - the only user with write permission.

Wife - what is my value in your life?

Husband - unknown virus detected.

Wife - do you love me or your computer?

Husband - Too many parameters..

Wife - i will go to my dad's house.

Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will Close.

Wife - I will leave you forever.

Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.

Wife - it is worthless talking to you.

Husband - shut down the computer.

Wife - I am going

Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer.

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Student Teacher

Student Teacher

A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 28) was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked,"Boy, what is your problem?"

Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Neelam had enough. She took Boy. to the principal's office. While Boy. waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.She agreed.

Boy. was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Boy.: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Boy.: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, "I think Boy can go to the third-grade."

Ms Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions.

Can I ask him ?" The principal and Boy both agreed.

Ms Neelam asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

Boy., after a moment "Legs."

Ms Nee lam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

Boy.: "Pockets."

Ms Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Boy.: Coconut

Ms Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy. was taking charge.

Boy.: Bubblegum

Ms Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...

Boy.: Shake hands

Ms Neelam: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?

Boy.: Yep.

Ms Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

Boy.: Tent

Ms Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.

Boy.: Wedding Ring

Ms Neelam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Boy.: Nose

Ms Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Boy.: Arrow

Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?

Boy.: Firetruck

Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u dont get it u have to use your hand.

Boy.: Fork

Ms Neelam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?

Boy.: SURNAME

Ms Neelam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?

Boy.: HEART.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send this Boy to IIM Hyderabad, even I got the last ten questions wrong myself!!

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A Treasure Of Secrets Hidden Under A Beautiful Smile

Phone Call

A trainee in a big multinational company dialed CEO by mistake & said,

"Hey, send a hot coffee in accounts Dept in 2 min"

CEO shouted: Do you know with whom u are talking?

Trainee: NO

CEO: I am CEO of the Company.

Trainee in the same tone: Do you know with whom you are talking?

CEO: No

Trainee said: Thank God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

& disconnected the phone.

----------------------------------------------------------

Name Change

Father: If u fail in exams again. Don't call me 'Dad'

.

.

.

.

.

.

After few days!

Father: Watz ur result?

?

?

?

Son: Sorry ra Subba Rao

-------------------------------------------------------------

Killing English ……

Principal to student..." I saw u yesterday rotating near girls

hostel pulling cigerette... ? "

==============

Class teacher once said :

" pick up the paper and fall in the dustbin!!!"

==============

once hindi teacher said...."i'm going out of the world to america.."

==============

"..DON'T TRY TO TALK IN FRONT OF MY BACK.."

==============

dont..laugh at the back benches...otherwise teeth and all will be

fallen down.....

==============

it was very hot in the afternoon when the teacher entered.. She tried

to switch the fan on, but there was some problem. and then she said

" why is fan not oning" (ing form of on)

==============

teacher in a furious mood...

write down ur name and father of ur name!!

==============

"shhh... quiet... the principal is revolving around "

==============

My manager started like this

"Hi, I am Madhu, Married with two kids"

==============

"I'll illustrate what i have in my mind" said the professor and

erased the board

==============

"will u hang that calender or else i'll HANG MYSELF"

==============

LIBRARIAN SCOLDE ," IF U WILL TALK AGAIN , I WILL KNEEL DOWN OUTSIDE"

==============

Chemistry HOD comes and tells us....

"My aim is to study my son and marry my daughter"

==============

Tomorrow call ur parents especially mother and father

==============

"why are you looking at the monkeys outside when i am in the class?!"

==============

Lab assistant said this when my friend wrote wrong code..

"I understand. You understand. Computer how understand??

==============

Seing the principal passing by, the teacher told the noisy class..

"Keep quiet, the principal has passed away"

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I Lost my wife

I Lost my wife

I Lost my wife : (Ladies should read not to be missed)

A man went to police station for filing report for his missing wife:

Man: I lost my wife (misty)

Inspector: what is her height

Man; I never noticed

Inspectior:slim or healthy

Man: not slim can be healthy

Inspector: colour of eyes

Man: Never noticed

Inspector: colour of hair

Man: changes according to season

Inspector: what was she wearing

Man: Saree/suit/ I dont remember exactly

Inspector:was somebody with her ?????????
"

"

"

"

"

"

"

"

"

"

"

'

'

'

'

'

'

'

'

'
Man: Yes
''
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'


my Labra dog (romeo)
'
'
'
'
'
'

tied with a golden chain

height 30 inches

healthy,

blue eyes,

blackish brown hair

his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken

he never barks

wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls

he likes non veg food

we sleep together

we eat together

we jog together

we__________ _________&

the man started crying
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
Inspector: Lets search the dog first !!!!!!!!!!!! !

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Job Application

Job Application..Please Help

Job Application

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME:
Greg Bulmash

SEX:
Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION:
Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY:
$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:
Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY:
Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:
It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE:
Aries.

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